What Crazy Looks Like

Filipinos are all conservative about pre-marital sex and I know that I wouldn’t want my relatives and parents reading this in my blog but then it’s a new century and Glee’s next episode got me all sentimental with remembering the “first time” and the pressures and anxiety of going through it and such. I know a lot of people who have done “it” but still are squirmish of the idea of opening up and telling their stories and sometimes I admit, I am one of them. I think that’s the thing that makes our nation and religion a bittersweet one, we’re open to progress but are afraid of the outcomes and/or consequences.

I think that sex, first of all, is natural like something innate to all of us. Some people say that they learned everything through porn but come on, people in the stone age did not have porn to learn from; hence, I believe that all of us one way or another know how to do the deed. I think that the things you learn from porn are those little extra add-ons during sex, I will not elaborate because I think my mom, my past school and current school will disown me if I do but I bet most of you readers know what I’m talking about. So going back to the first time, I remember the fear and anxiety involved in doing it for the first time. It wasn’t the best thing out there but it was special and when you’re crazily in love with this guy and have been together for a year, things will really get steamy and sentimental. My roommate and I agree that with today’s society, we think it would be better to do it before getting married because you know.. you need practice ‎:)) and you need to discover who you’re compatible with. Good job for those who choose to be you know, untouched until marriage and I have nothing but great respect and admiration for you guys, but I’m just saying that letting loose shouldn’t be detrimental to who you are. Take Rica Paralejo and her husband, I learned that they delayed their first kiss until their wedding day…. Sweet right? But then you know I’m talking about the star of Balahibong Pusa the sexy star who was involved with Bernard Palanca who seemed very very sexually liberated. Rica Paralejo is the best example of those who have “experience” but end up having a good life, I mean come on… If a guy judges you, he’s not worth your time because apparently Rica’s husband is a Pastor. That’s God’s servant respecting a woman for her decisions. Who you will be in a relationship will not be defined if you lost your virginity and FYI, most guys I know who care if their girlfriends are virgins end up being the abusive ones, sexually, physically and verbally.

So what I just really want to bring up with this little blog here is that women should not be afraid to explore who they are sexually. I mean would you want to be married and end up realizing that you really can’t be satisfied by a man? That would suck… Take it from me and this woman in the states who had to get a divorce coz she found out too late. I’m not saying that you should all go out there and have sex and be irresponsible, but I’m saying just don’t be too up tight, if your body tells you something go do it… I hope God won’t smite me for these words but I know he’s a loving God and I know he’s a forgiving God as well. Just be responsible and be safe. 

Yun lang, wala basta… Narealize kong ayoko na maging mabait, narealize ko ‘to after 10 months of sobriety :)) Babalik na ko sa old ways ko, para din akong tanga e…. Sarap maging gago, promise! try niyo! Wag na tayong magpaka plastic at magbait-baitan… Iisa lang naman kapupuntahan nating lahat sa huli. 

I’ve always had dependency issues, not on drugs, though I wish it was that easy comprehend. I kind of have the tendency to depend on the people I have relationships with, let me site an example. My ex of a year and a half lived near me and I totally depended on him in the most simplest things like the where are we goings and the what are we doings. I used to get pissed off when his plans didn’t include me and when I got sick, I thought to  myself that he’s responsible for me so he has to take good care of me, I think that was the major reason on why he left me…. I relied on him too much, I became dependent. Fast forward to my relationship now, for the past 2 years of our relationship I can tell that I was completely yet again dependent on him, it’s like I never learned from my failed relationships. My life revolved around my boyfriend, he never asked me to do so but I imposed myself to be with him as much as possible every weekend, every free time, every holiday there is. My schedule revolved around being with him, I would literally drop everything I was doing just to be with him no matter what the consequences were. I think that’s one of the reasons on why I was so devastated when he left for Cebu, it like a planet revolving around a star then suddenly the star dies and the planet has nowhere else to go. The person my life revolved around left me physically. I cried everyday for the next month and then eventually, things got better…. I made new friends, hung out more during the weekends, spent time with my family, got my grades up (I think) and became a productive member of the student council. Then just a few hours ago, it struck me…. My star’s come back. 

I think that I grew more with my boyfriend’s absence, I think he’ll be proud of who I’ve become. I know he’ll still be my everything and I’ll still would want to spend every moment I can with him, but then there will be times when he can just spend his days alone like he’s always wanted to. I learned how to stand with my own two feet, I gained more confidence, I gained better friendships, I gained everything he’s always wanted me to gain. In 7 days I will be his full time non-long distance girlfriend again, I will be there when he needs and when he wants me but if he decides to spend time by himself and with his friends, I know that I will be able to say okay and not feel bad about it…. I definitely  grew up. 

I might actually be bipolar…. Like seriously. 

Symptoms:

• Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable—> ME. Like kanina I was bothering ate Mavy and dancing around the room then all of a sudden, game face.
• Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers—> hmmm.. I think I’m pretty, does that count??
• Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic—> TRUE. 
• Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up—> OMGHOWCOMETHISTHINGKNOWSME?! 
• Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next—> Peacock.
• Highly distractible, unable to concentrate—> where was I? Pero hindi nga, I have the attention span of a kindergartner
• Impaired judgment and impulsiveness—> skydiving anyone?
• Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences—> a bit, but not that much anymore
• Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)—> HINDI NAMAN, OA. :))

Maybe I should get tested or something. :|

Hindi talga ako magaling magsulat sa salitang Filipino. Yung unang pangungusap palang nakailang pindot na ko bakspeys at kinailangan ko pa talagang gumamit ng google translate para lamang malaman ang sentence sa Filipino. Nakikiuso lang talaga ako kay Sr. Venoya dahil sa totoo lang kamuntikan na ko mahimatay sa klase ni Sr. kanina sa sobrang lalim niya magsalita tapos yung Powerpoint niya pa Ingles, kung hindi ba naman dumugo ilong ko e. TAE (Sorry naman, yang ang Filipino ng Shit). Sobrang tagal ko pa nga nalaman na si Juan Pablo ikalawa ay si Pope John Paul II pala, grabe! Gusto ko na ilibing sarili ko dahil sa sobrang kahinaan ko sa salitang Filipino. Tingin ko totoo nga sabi ng nobyo ko na konyo ako, ang hindi ko lang talaga masasangayunan yung pagtawag sakin ng sosyal dahil tingin ko naman sa sarili ko ay malayong-malayo sa bansag na iyon sa sobrang kawalang pakielam ko talaga sa kilos ko at sa kung ano-ano pang “kasosyalan.” Ngayon, alam kong matatanong niyo ko kung bakit ako biglang nagsulat ng blog sa wikang Filipino at ang sagot ko ay hindi ko alam. Siguro’y nagpapalipas oras lang ako para hindi ko kailangan ituloy ang pagaaral ng Epistemolohiya sa kurso ko sa Pilosopiya. Ewan ko talaga, nalalabuan ako sa sarili ko… Pero naisip ko din naman itanong na lamang sa sarili ko kung ako ba’y napipirmi ng masyado maaga sa aking buhay, hindi ba’t dapat mas madami pa kong gustuhin? Hindi ba’t dapat damihan ko na mga plano ko sa buhay?